“Fall”ing Motivation
Is it just me?
Please tell me it’s not just me. Going to be honest here, I have very little motivation this fall. I’m not sure if it’s the cooler weather, the looming unknowns of Covid that are still dictating so many things in our lives. Or, is it that at 40 I am still struggling with self love & believing in myself? In my first post I mentioned that when I was young I talked it out through journaling. As I write this I feel my mind working and figuring it out. I hear the self doubt about writing this & putting it out there scramble all through my mind. But here we go.
I’ll Start Monday…
As the weeks fly by, it’s a consistent comment every Friday. “I’ll start Monday”. Sometimes I’ll throw a little “I’ll get it done tomorrow”. That’s when the self doubt creeps in and begins to sabotage all my other thoughts. Usually when this starts to happen, I will drive myself to the nearest store, load up on chips & dip, and binge eat while watching reality tv shows. I’m not there yet but oh so close.
The Journey
Since the beginning of the year, I began a journey to live a healthier lifestyle. I was not sleeping well, & waking up hot & sweaty. I’d get up not feeling rested at all. Of course that means I end up being a grump ass to everyone. My weight was affecting me in every way, from not being able to be active with my kids to even sweating when I was putting my damn shoes on. To some people I wasn’t overweight but to me I didn’t feel comfortable at all. Fashion is something that brings such joy to me & when you don’t fit any of your favourite clothes it sucks. It hurt me when the only clothing I felt comfortable in was lulu leggings & an oversized sweater. It was more weight that my mind & body was struggling to carry. On January 1st I took a picture of myself in a bathing suit. After I did that I sat on my bathroom floor and cried. Actually it wasn’t crying, I was sobbing. It was so hard to see a photo of myself like this. I was embarrassed that I had let my mind and body get to this point. I debated whether or not to post these pictures but how can I be honest without them. I still struggle to look at them but here I am…
That day I set goals for myself, hit 10,000 steps a day no matter what & eat healthy but don’t deprive yourself the things you love just limit them. I hit these goals strong & believed in myself. I saw results in so many ways. My mind felt clearer, I was able to see past things that use to bother me as not as big of a deal. By June I had lost 42ish lbs & felt the best I had in years. It was so great for my kids to even see a difference in me & how proud they were of me made my heart so happy. However I was getting tired, so I made a decision to give myself the summer as a test to my will power. I enjoyed my summer, I had drinks, enjoyed bbq’s and time with friends without feeling bad about it.
Now what?
Now I’m home & summer is over. Our family is back into this years new routine & it’s time for me to as well. Not going to lie, I did put a bit of the weight back on but it’s within a range that I’m ok with. How do I get motivated again. I’m so close to where I want to be and I just need to get back into a good routine. I just can’t seem to be consistent. The devil on my shoulder is yelling at me to give up because I’m not worth getting there. I will only let myself go again like in the past. How does a women get past these insecurities? My head is screaming failure. Not having places to go and people to see as much because of covid also gives reasons to not care as much. I need to remember that my health is worth it. Especially with what is going on in the world. Be a role model for my son & daughter. It’s important for them to see me finish this strong and then live healthy with regular exercise.
I Can Do It
With it being Thanksgiving weekend in Canada I want to be thankful for what I do have. Family & friends who love me & just the right amount of people that hate me cause they ain’t me;) Hahaha. I really hope that by putting this out there, if you are struggling with acceptance of yourself, you realize you aren’t alone. Even the women that you envy are having those inner battles with self doubt. Be kind to one another, don’t gossip to be mean, & if you find yourself in a pattern that is making you unhappy make small changes to get you up and walking in those fab shoes again with confidence. Remove those people that serve no purpose in your life, it’s amazing what a simple remove or block of a person can do for your head.
Stay you & hug your vaccinated family & friends tight. Be thankful for all you have and I hope you all enjoy your turkey or however you chose to celebrate.
PS I’ll start Monday…
with love,
Clarissa
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