The Definition of Friendship
My Girls! Proctor, Keri G, Nick-Hole, & Crappy: July 2006 Photo By: DQ Studios
What is the friendship?
Here is Websters dictionaries definition…
friend·ship
/ˈfren(d)SHip/
noun
the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends.
"old ties of love and friendship"
a relationship between friends.
plural noun: friendships
"she formed close friendships with women"
a state of mutual trust and support between allied nations.
"because of the friendship between our countries, we had a very frank exchange
Well That Wasn’t What I Was Looking For…
Google let me down with that definition in a sense. So now on to googling the meaning of friend.
friend
/frend/
noun
1.
a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
"she's a friend of mine"
a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.
Well that is more of what I was looking for, but still hasn’t satisfied my understanding of what most people define these words.
“Oh I know them, she’s a friend of mine.”
“Oh I know them, she’s a friend of mine.” is one phrase I hear often & to me that means you have spend hours of your life together. Crying, laughing, playing games, listening to music & maybe even travelling together & making so many memories.
Lately, I’ve been tested as an adult to define these terms. I mean no one has physically said define them but things have happened that have made me take a look at what both those phrases mean to me.
Childhood Friendship
Growing up, my family moved a few times. The first move I remember was when I was around five, going into grade one. I was going to be leaving my best friend, Jenny. She lived just around the corner from us & I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Once we moved, which was only a few hours away, I only remember visiting once & sending a written letter once too, I think. We moved from a tiny town to a village. A village where everyone knew everyone. Families grew together and you often married someone you had known since you were kids or your families knew each other. New people were rare. However I was still young enough that I was accepted & grew a friend circle. There was the three Michelle’s, the twins, Angie, the Bonnie’s, Janice, the Heather’s, Diana, & Naomi the list could go on. There were small circles in that circle but I loved each of them dearly. I still reflect on that time in my life & feel those were some of the best real friendships I’ve ever had. I cherished friendship like money. As a kid I hung on to friendships & felt everything so deeply & I don’t know why.
1992-ish in Austin Manitoba : Man we were cute with our short hair cuts.
Not Again!
When I was in grade 7 my parents let us know we would be moving again. My dad was a grain buyer with Cargill & was one of the best, & with that meant moving to grow different areas. So we went to visit the town we would now call home. It was bigger then where we lived now and felt like a city. We met the people who’s house we would now be living in and saw our new school. The coldness from the kids in this family was apparent as they looked at us as taking them away from the life & friends that they loved. It was only a brief meeting but you could feel it. Aspects felt like they were going to be exciting like walking to school instead of taking the bus but not knowing anyone was the scariest feeling. The family of friends I had created were gone and it hurt to much to really try to keep in touch. I tried to but everytime the hang out was over it hurt me all over again. So I stopped reaching out and tried to move on.
First impressions right…..this is me. Just a couple weeks into a new school year & making new friends I decided to throw an epic birthday party. Which obviously included pretending candles were cigarettes;). 13 year olds in the 90’s, am I right?
Walking into a new school is the most terrifying thing for a kid, I swear. You don’ t know if this is what a heart attack feels like, is your stomach going to explode or will you be that new kid that pukes in the hallway. Lucky for me I was none of those but I 100% felt like an intruder into their world. This move was different then the other ones, these kids have known each other for 13 years. How can one break into these friend groups? This is when a sense of not belonging began in my life & never has really gone away. Some of these kids were genuinely my friends but I really did look for the approval of a couple of the most “popular” girls. They would be my friend one day, sharing clothes, doing hair & make up, then the next they were telling everyone about how they saw tissue sticking out of the top of my shirt from stuffing my bra (I will not deny these allegations….anymore) & leaving piles of tissue outside my house door. The acceptance from your peers can really define what kind of self esteem you have moving forward in your life & for me triggered this feeling of giving whatever I could. That could mean gifts, my time, anything really. I would try & go above & beyond for these girls that would turn on me so easily. The last four years of my school years (in my head) I was always second, third or worse choice. From grade 10-12 it was less about friends and more about boyfriends. I ended up dating an older boy, which consumed my entire world. Friends came a very distant second unless it helped me be around the boy. So toxic & definitely didn’t help with my girlfriends.
Moving On From High School Life
Once I graduated I felt a sense of loss. The boyfriend & new boy of interest were gone & all my friends were moving to go to university or collage. They all seemed to have it all planned out and knew what they were going to do in life. My low “inner” self confidance had me paralyzed of what to do next. I couldn’t go to school because what if I failed; “they would laugh at me & I would not be accepted”. I can only work a certain type of job, because if it was not good enough “they would laugh at me & I would not be accepted”. On the outside I took pride in myself & did everything I could to look put together & had it all. I wore the clothes, did the hair because I had to be this to be enough for them to accept me.
This behaviour became too much for me. However, I chose to move out of my parents, with no job & no plan. I moved into a townhouse in a city 20 minutes away. I lived with 2 girls I had become close to my graduating year from a neighbouring town. Both girls were off to university, so during the day I was home alone, which led me to just sitting around all day by myself. I chose to hang out watching TV, eating junk, smoking some ganja. This ultimatety lead me down a path of breaking these girls trust, they had accepted me and I fucked it up big time. Another friendship learning moment. They hated me, they laughed at what I had become & this broke me more then I already felt. I moved home.
Last photo with my Uncle Steve & Gido at a family event.
My graduation June 1999
4 of the 6 people in this photo are not with us anymore & really makes me reflect on my life & the people I love.
Now What?
Just as all this was happening, cancer took my uncle. Growing up we spend so much time with him at the farm & it hit pretty hard. This was the second loss in our family in less then six months, my Gido (grandpa in Ukrainian) passed just after my graduation. With all these emotions I wasn’t dealing well with life in general. My best friend who was like my sister & I got into the biggest fight we had ever had. Honestly, I do not remember what it was about, I was just looking for a fight & found it. I tore her out of every picture, I destroyed the memories we had created for 5+ years. The memories were some of the best & she was someone who was a real friend all through school even though she was 2 years younger. We were skating buddies, goofy buddies, drinking buddies, shroom buddies & came up with our very own catch phrases that we thought were amazingly funny. A-Hole & Shitter always & forever is what I thought.
The day after this blow up I talked with my family & was offered to move with some of my cousins who owned businesses in Fort McMurray, Alberta. The offer was to have a place to live & a part time job to gain some work experience so that when I decided to come back home that it would help me get a better job. Within 2 days I was packed and in a car moving. I arrived & was in a new city that I had not been in since I was around 8 years old. I began work and started applying to a few other places to get a second form of income because the hours from my family was just not enough, plus I needed somewhere else I could meet people my age. I got a call & got myself a job at Boston Pizza serving.
New Town….New Friends?
Starting at BP’s was a learning curve. So crazy busy and was the place to be on the weekends. Not knowing anyone was hard and the girls weren’t overly friendly but the boys were. They invited me out to go drinking and we had some fun. That didn’t really sit well with all the girls which I get, but finally one of the girls braved it and invited me to a pre party. They got to know me for me outside of work and these girls are still some of my best friends today. I love them and the memories made with them are still my favourites.
Looking back to before the girls got to know me, I was living in a nightmare again. Not being accepted and not knowing why. Those feelings of self doubt creeped back in and I sank into those high school feelings of loneliness and hate for myself. I don’t think I ever realized that my past was holding onto me so tightly and how I interacted and got to know other people. Women are so cruel to one another. The million dollar question is why? That’s a whole other conversation though!
Can we really say “We’re Friends” ?
Within a week or so of a budding friendship with the BP’s girls I called Nicole crying and having a meltdown needing a place to live. I don’t even know if we can say we were actually “friends” yet. However my family I was living with did not understand the lifestyle of a young person working in a resturant and bar that was open till 3 in the morning, To them it was problematic behaviour and they accused me of possible drug use and stealing funds from them. All which were untrue which drove me crazy for them to say such things, as I was trying so hard to better myself. That night Nicole rolled up in her car and I lived with her and her family for a few months. I will forever be grateful to them for taking me in and dealing with my crap. After that I stayed with the Proctor’s and eventually ended up in a house with 3 guys that were friends with my boss. This lead me to finding my husband & some of the best friends I still have today. Which again, I will forever be grateful.
However, since then I have only connected with a handful of people that are as important as the ones I met 20 years ago. I cross paths with so many, and so often have multiple interactions with them. But at what point do you consider a person a friend? At what point does it go from an aquantiance to friend? And how open do you make your heart for new people coming into your life as you age? Is there an answer to these questions? I don’t know, but for me I often open up quickly and probably should keep some stuff to myself.
Is this Genuine?
In the past 10 years or so I have lost some of those newer '“adult” friendships I had held really dear to me. When those friendships end I struggle with allowing myself to let them go and knowing if they were ever genuine real connections on the other persons part. Some of these I know the reasons why the person is no longer in my life and other times I don’t know. Both scenerios are not easy to get over. One of these friendships that are now memories ended for what I believed is because I didn’t choose them over a newer friendship I was building with someone. I think back about what I could have done differently or if I should have made a different choice. I know I did what I could, I apologized for the actions and words that hurt her and I tried several times to make her understand and move forward. She couldn’t or didn’t want to. I miss her still, however I’m so thankful to myself for not cutting Melinda out of my life. She has become a sister and her family feels like my family.
Why Question Others Relationships?
I met Melinda through my daughter. She was her dance teacher when she was 5 and still continues to be her biggest mentor. It all started with her ordering some sausage and perogies through one of Kates fundraisers. Some conversations soon made us realize how much we each equally loved food, Christmas, reality tv, Disney, travel and so much more. People questioned how genuine we were but during the 2016 wildfire in Fort McMurray my husband was in Calgary & so was Melinda at the same hotel, as we were all going to be down there for a dance comp in the following days. I don’t know why but I was on her call list and I am so thankful I was. From talking about what was happening minute to minute. To her calling to say her husband decided to not go golfing after he heard an explosion, hahahaha , to watching everything unfold when I finally made it down south.
When we drove back to met up with her husband we had a two hour drive and learnt so much about each other. She talked about her dreams of being a dance studio owner. I loved that for her. So I just said Kate would be her first student to register if she ever decided to do so.
Through all the gossip and lies about the two of us and our families while Melinda started to build her dream on her own, it was overshadowed by cruel people not believing she was doing this on her own with the help of only her husband and family. Questioning her and the authenticity of her feelings and friendship with me and saying it was for some sort of financial backing for her new adventure.
All I could think is, Wow, these dance moms and people must really hate me to think that someone couldn’t just like me for me. I’m so thankful for the relationship with Melinda & her family, and so thankful that she didn’t walk away when people were being so mean.
When I stop living my life based on what others think of me, my life will begin & at that moment I hope I will see the light of self acceptance and love for myself
I’m Just Me
Who am I? Well I am someone that loves hard, and will stand strong with everything I believe. In a conversation or disagreement I will speak loudly and bluntly to my point. Not to be rude but to be loyal to my belief. This trait rubs people the wrong way until they get to know other things about me to realize this makes me a crazy loyal friend and person. I would be there in a second if a friend called me needing anything. But at the same time I struggle to stay connected and reach out to see people because for some reason, no matter how close I am to them, I worry about being rejected. So stupid I know but those are the thoughts that go through my mind. I really do try to be self aware of my over reactions, and I will take a step back and have a conversation with the person after words to calmly explain myself. Just of late I was told by someone “You aren’t the easiest to talk to.” That hurt me to the core, and lead me down the path of questioning myself all over again.
What do I do now?
Looking at why I try so hard to fit in to get certain circles of people to accept me, I reflect on this and I found what truly is important to me. My Family, and the friends who are my chosen family. Someone might surprise me in the future and enter into my life, that will become someone close and dear to me. But I really am trying to let go of needing everyone to like & accept me. This is the first year in my life that I feel confident in who I am becoming and am. I get to work at one of my best friends successful businesses part time, which allows me to see my daughter thrive doing what she loves. I get to be home and be there for my son if he needs me. I can cook dinner and be a happy wife to my best friend and husband.
We as women often define ourselves with what we don’t have instead of what we do have. I am moving forward and going to push my mind to being happy with who I know I am. If they don’t take the time to get to know me and want to talk about me negatively, that reflects on them more than it does on me. If someone wants to believe the untruths behind the gossip that too is on them. I will hold my head high with the real truths and be there support the ones that support and love me back.
My Hope for Girls
I hope that reading this makes you take a moment to realize you are all worth more than you make yourself feel. That we as women support our daughters or young girls growing up by teaching them to be kind, even when some peoples actions don’t deserve kindness. Teach your girls to be humble but proud. Choose their words carefully because words can stick with someone for a lifetime. Let them know that talking to their friends about how things make them feel is better then talking behind their backs to others. Take the time to get to know someone outside of what you may have heard about them. Trust your instinct and don’t always believe the story people are trying to get you to believe.
with love,
Clarissa
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